Touch me and pretend that it’s your need to.
Lie to me and tell me that you desire me, that your desire is to give me what I need.
Make your need mine. I want it; even if just for tonight you give it.
Take me to the edge of despair, hurt me and make me scream.
Make pain my realm, even if just for tonight, you desire it.

Yank my hair by the roots, flog me, cane me, and see me bleed.
Taste the ecstasy that runs from wounds that you inflict.
Sink your teeth in to my soft flesh and watch me yield under your torture.
Watch the sweat swim from every pore.
Watch how beautiful pain is etched on my face.
See what you do to me.
See the beauty of what you have created.

Even if it is… just for tonight.

Silent goodbyes are the hardest

I heard on the news that the woman, who died in the crash, was alone in the car. She died before any help could reach to her.

I remember thinking, how lonely. That haunted me all weekend, because it was in my home town, and that the faceless woman had died alone. Fleetingly the thought crossed my mind that it may be some one I knew… but what were the chances?

I didn’t realise the woman, was my friend. My wonderful, full of life friend, who by a twist of fate, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The shock when I heard, the intense sorrow and pain, is more than I can describe. My thoughts flew to her sister and her mum, then sadly to her two beautiful children. What can be worse than losing a mother so young? She was 37. My heart broke, for all of them.

I’m no stranger to death, having been with many terminally ill people, soothing them, holding their hand, whispering soft words as they close their eyes for the last time. Knowing that they are not alone as they take their final journey that eventually, we all take.

It pains me deeply that of all the ones I have loved and lost, no one was there to comfort them, sooth them, to hold their hand and tell them what wonderful amazing people they are. Instead, they were alone. That makes me feel lonelier ever.

The world will be a sadder place without her in it. She was a ray of light in many dark times. Her humour and impish ways brought a smile to so many hearts, to my heart. She was a wonderful person, a wonderful friend. She was a happy, loving, warm woman, with a giving spirit and a smile that would melt even the hardest of people.

Caz, my sweet, lovely friend, I am so glad to have known you, so very honoured to call you friend.

If you’re looking down and listening, save me a seat at the front, next to yours, just as you always have.

I’m going to miss you mate.

Sweet dreams.